Heard and Understood

Have you ever shouted at your spouse, "YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!"?
I have, but honestly, most of the time Glenn (my hubs) shouts that to me. (I have work to do on interrupting him.) We all have a fundamental need to be heard and understood. Listening to your spouse is, actually, one of the most important and loving things you can do for them. You haven't heard it all before, even after twenty years.

Everyone wants to be able to share their frustrations, their inner most thoughts, their fears, and their wants to a non-judgemental loving and listening ear. Let that ear be yours.

Let your spouse release bits of their life's woes and blessings, because they are revealing to you, this is who I am and this is how I interpreted the world and me in it. This is privledged information, even when it's coming out all wrong and they are pent up, angry, frustrated and taking it out on you, at the moment.

But, how, exactly do we show our partner that we ARE listening? Here are three quick guidelines to remember:

1. Do not interrupt. Your point can be made later and you will remember it.

2. You do not have to be right and you do not have to agree with your spouse. Watch out . . . your "righteousness" may cost you your marriage. Both of you can be right!

3. Before you speak, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, repeat back to your spouse in your own words what he/she has just said so they know you understand and so that they feel assured that your are listening and that they communicated their message clearly.

The Short Version: No interupting. You don't have to be right. Repeat back.

Let me give you an example:

"I hate the way you have organized these bills! Why don't you seperate the utility and household bills from the personal credit card bills and the business bills? It is so confusing to me and I feel overwhelmed just looking at this mess. We may wreck our credit if they are not also organized by their due dates. When they are just thrown into this drawer, well, honestly, it seems irresponsible of you." said the spouse.

Your response:
"I see that you are upset by this. You are afraid that I might pay a bill late or overlook something because it is not organized in a way you find helpful. But, honey, I've got a handle on the bills. I flip through them each morning, actually, and I know what needs to be paid first, because I'm the one who pays them each week."

Your further response:
"I feel hurt when you say I seem irresponsible. I think you know me better than that. I rarely make a mistake with our bills. Is something else bothering you? I know you like things orderly. I will make an effort, in my own way, to acknowledge this important aspect and I will show you that I am compromising. Can we figure out a solution so we are both confident the bills are handled?"

Marriage is a co-marriage-promise (compromise!)
Delenee